A man and his eyebrows. (A true story)

Once upon a time there was a man who grew more and more handsome the closer he came to his fortieth birthday.

The dusting of gray amidst his dark brown hair made him look distinguished, and the faint wrinkle lines around his eyes showed a life filled with joy and laughter--a good look for any man. The one minor problem though...his eyebrows.

Thought it hardly seemed to bother the man, his wife was deeply troubled. For when she looked at her beloved husband, she no longer saw this:



But something that bore a striking resemblance to this:



Not all the brow hairs were bad, mind you. In fact there was just one. One evil, despicable thing that would appear on his right eyebrow approximately every six weeks. With the immeasurable powers of a super hero, this rogue hair would sprout out of virtual nothingness and into a length of 7/8" overnight.

For days the wild hair would go unnoticed, until one evening at the dinner table, the husband, in a benign gesture, would drag his arm across his forehead in an attempt to drown out the incessant chatter of the nine-year-old girl at the table. Unbeknownst to the husband he'd awakened a beast. A course, thick, deep rooted beast that stood at full attention nearly an inch above the rest of the eyebrow.

Shrieking at the sight, the wife begged her husband to let her tweeze it. "It is ugly and dastardly and makes you look unkempt," she begged him. "Please let me rid you of this hideous hair or people will think I don't love you."

The husband scoffed at her request, claiming that the pain associated with a needle-nosed tweezers extraction was too great for any man to endure.

The woman, a survivor of two Cesarean sections, rolled her eyes. Though disappointed with the surprising wussiness of her husband, the former marine, she stayed steady on her course to rid the man of the atrocity that grew upon his beautiful face.

For days she pleaded for submission to the tweezers. She begged him to dismiss the notion that an eyebrow comb over was sexy.

Finally, upon the threat of abstinence, the man relented.

It was a cold, Thursday night in January when she sat him down on the bathroom counter and approached him with the silver Revlon tweezers (available at Target for $6.99, less 5% with the red card). The man gripped the tile, bracing himself for the pain he'd experienced only twice before in his life. With the steady hand of a neurosurgeon she gripped the angry hair between the tips of the tweezers, clamped down and pulled.

A high-pitched shriek was heard throughout the land,

"HOLY CRAP! Look at the size of this root ball!"

While the husband whimpered in shock on the counter, the wife held her victim to the light for a better view. At 7/8" she knew that little bastard would win records if she were into that kind of thing. But she wasn't. She didn't need an award to prove she'd done something wonderful. She had a well-groomed husband for that.

Don't Give Up On HOPE

Every now then I veer off of the freeway of sarcasm and inappropriate humor I drive most days, and take a much needed detour down emotional lane. This post, my inaugural for the new year, is my first pit stop on the sentimental side street. I hope you enjoy...

It was almost exactly a year ago that a good portion of my prayer life was dedicated to asking the BIG GUY for someone (AN AGENT!) to take me seriously. You know...just give me and my peculiar book a chance. Six months later...I got an agent. WAHOO! Thanks, God!

This morning I was feeling much the way I did a year ago except that the request to the you know who had changed. This morning I prayed that someone (AN EDITOR!) would take me AND my agent seriously. (Calm down, Kitten--no news to report). On days like this, when I feel like the last author in the world an editor would be willing to take a leap of faith with, I'm reminded of one very important four-letter word: HOPE!

You see, the beauty of HOPE is that it strikes you when you're at your lowest point and quite often through unconventional means. Here's how the HOPE bug big me today:

On December 24th (Yeah, the DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS) my darling 9 year-old decided to write Santa a letter. (Apparently I wasn't supposed to read it, though she left it out on the hutch in the living room--um, FREE GAME, TOOTS!) Anyway, I got the Aww...lump in my throat as we moms do, and then I read the inside:
(I cannot tell you how many times we've told my daughter that she cannot get a trampoline, but I assure you it's well into the double-digits.)

My husband and I chuckled about this card, both enjoying what could very well be her last Christmas believing in the white bearded man from up North, and then we actually discussed her request. After surprisingly short deliberation, we decided this actually could be a good investment for us and that both our kids would get a lot of use out of it. (Not Christmas of 2011, obviously, but perhaps an Easter gift purchased off of Craig's List)

At any rate, my kiddo never lost HOPE. She was the dog under the dining table just waiting for a scrap. And you know what...she got it! A piece of macaroni fell on the floor. (Or in this case, a used trampoline that will probably need new springs).

She never gave up--she just kept hoping. After finding this letter in my dresser drawer, right next to her letter demanding more money from the Tooth Fairy, I realized that I cannot give up on HOPE. It's all I've got left.


(Side note: I had a trampoline as a kid. Our hesitation in buying one was not because we are wicked, evil parents who like to stifle our children of exercise and a good time, but because we didn't think she would use it. If we are guilty of anything--it's practicality.)

Someday...

Someday I will see my book on a bookshelf

Someday I will look back on submitting to editors as a learning experience

Someday I will finish my WIP

Someday I will write a decent blog post again

But it's not today

Adendum to the last post...

ONE MORE THING!!

I have also learned that if a piece of scotch tape (the gift wrap kind) accidentally gets stuck to your lip (don't ask) it WILL pull a chunk of your lip skin with it.

(Get your mind out of the gutter, girls. You know which lips I'm referring to)

A few things I've learned this week...

Fear not, Fan Club! This is not the witty Christmas post I've long been crafting together in my substantially follicled head. This is just a quick blurb by which I will share a few things I have learned in the hopes of sparing you the same painful learning curve I've had to endure. (Tis the season, and all).

#1. If you have a child who likes to bang on keyboards, NEVER, EVER leave your WIP open on your computer. A great love scene with (fill in the blank: Bradley Cooper, Zac Efron, Mark Wahlberg, Matt Lauer, (it could happen)) can quickly turn into a blank screen and a houseful of expletives directed at your child who will in turn repeat them to their teacher.

#2. Write down your Blogger password. On the occasion your computer doesn't "remember" for you--it makes logging in for a blog post a whole lot easier.

#3. Don't get annoyed with the stupidity of Hollywood. Case in point: The novelty license plates they use in movies. Unless you just arrived to this country, you know that license plates (novelty included) are only allotted SEVEN characters. So when you see an awesome movie like THE LINCOLN LAWYER, starring the very delishhhhous Matthew McConaughey, and his license plate reads, NOTGULTY, don't freak out. You'll only drive yourself, and your husband crazy.

And finally,

#4. If your husband says things around the house like, "I gotta see a man about a horse," when referring to a bowel movement, don't be surprised when your nine-year-old daughter suddenly pushes herself away from the dinner table, and announces with the dramatic prowess of an academy award winner, "I'VE GOTTA TAKE A DUMP!" I found that it's a whole lot easier to just laugh, and retell the story on your blog, than to remind her that not only is that gross but she never waited to be excused from the table to go take that dump.

Until next time, my friends...

BAH, HUMBUG!! Things that drive me NUTS about the Christmas Season

Relax, Frances! Don't get your undies all twisted. I'm not really a Scrooge--but there are a few things that really annoy me about the Christmas season. Rather than fester on them though; which inevitably results in me seeking comfort at the bottom of a beer bottle or a bag of holiday M&Ms, I thought I'd vent my annoyances to all of you. And here they are:

THE THINGS THAT DRIVE ME NUTS ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Airing the Christmas classics (i.e., A Charlie Brown Christmas, The Grinch, Frosty) 17 times before December 2nd. When I was a kid, way back in the 80's, they aired the show once. ONCE! You looked forward to that night for weeks. And if, on the off chance you missed it...well then, you cried, and then got over it.

Giving impersonal gifts. Give me a cinnamon scented votive in a snowman candle holder any day of the week, (I love cinnamon and candles!) but don't expect me to give you something impersonal back. I don't give impersonal gifts--I CANNOT DO IT! If I cannot find something I know you will love--I will buy something I would love. Like a Jake Ryan T-shirt. (I already have one of these--but I don't have a Bradley Cooper one...) Santa yard decorations intermingled with the Nativity scene. (sigh) Go secular. Go religious. I don't really care--but don't have Santa standing above the baby Jesus' manger--it's just WEIRD!

People that make you WAIT to open a gift until Christmas morning. If we exchange gifts on December 17, knowing we won't see each other on Christmas morning, please don't tell me to wait until then to open it. The best part of giving a gift is seeing the recipient's expression! (Hopefully the expression will be a happy one--though my husband nearly bought me a steering wheel for a dying Honda Prelude 17 years ago. That would not have been a happy one.) And if you do you forbid me from opening it, trust that the second you pull out of the California Pizza Kitchen parking lot where we've just had our holiday girl's lunch, I will be tearing into that bad boy. My Jeep smells like stale goldfish crackers and dirt. I need a little cinnamon-scented candle action to clear things up.

Those doughy candy cane cookies that taste like chalk. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones your stay-at-home neighbor/mom whips up to make you look like a slacker in front of your children? (Because you opted not to bake--instead purchasing some festively packaged caramel corn from Target). Every year, EVERYBODY in your house forgets that those cookies taste like crap--they just know that you didn't labor over a hot oven for seven hours making them.



Holiday work parties. (sigh) I hate them almost as much as I hate office birthday parties. (Except the year I met Aerosmith in the bar of the hotel where my husband had his party 15 years ago. That's for an entirely different blog post, though). I already sacrifice 40 hours of my life every week for you people--do I really need to give you another four? And on a weekend??!!!

Parking lots. I'm an incredibly impatient person. Please climb in your car, buckle the kids, and get the heck out of the space within 30 seconds, or I will play that game where I imagine how many points I will earn if I can hit you while keeping your Uggs on your feet. (By the way, Uggs and cut-off shorts do not look good.)

Pink Christmas trees. Just...DON'T!

Feel free to share your Christmas grievances below. Ho, Ho, Ho! (Oh yeah, I don't like hoes parading around on Christmas, either. Take a break, girl. Have some eggnog or somethin')

Interview with (MY) agent, RACHAEL DUGAS

Hip, Hip, HOORAY!
I am so excited for this second installment of the THREE AGENTS WHO CHANGED MY LIFE mini-blog series.

Today it is my pleasure to introduce you to MY amazing agent, Rachael Dugas of Talcott Notch Literary Services. (I do not have a head shot of Rachael, but imagine a dainty brunette with sparkly eyes and a giggle that rivals a Disney princess and you've got her).

For all of you agented readers, you how amazing it feels when someone other than your mother thinks your book is awesome. (Let's face it--your mom is still impressed that you can read an entire book, let alone write one). And for all of you soon-to-be agented folks, hang in there. Every painful rejection becomes a distant memory when you get THE CALL from THE AGENT who loves your book as much as you do. At least that's how it worked for me.

Now, on to the interview...

RR: How long have you been agenting, and what made you decide to pursue it?
RD: I have been an agent for about 5 months now. Publishing seemed like an interesting way to use my English degree and I love the idea of being a part of the process that brings amazing new material to the shelves. I previously held a long editorial internship, which was my first hands-on experience in the industry, and I enjoyed it greatly. When I was presented with this opportunity, I was excited to explore the agent side of the industry. I love having the chance to discover new material and to advocate for authors/manuscripts I really believe in.

RR: What genres do you represent?
RD: Currently, my authors fall under the categories of YA, MG, romance, women's fiction, and cookbooks. I try to keep an open mind and give any great manuscript a chance, regardless of the genre. However, I will admit that you will probably have a difficult time winning me over with Sci-Fi/Fantasy-this is more due to my relative ignorance than lack of interest.

RR: When does a query have the "wow" factor?
RD: A query that is well-written, clear, and that captures the tone and feel of the story perfectly will always make an impression upon me. Of course, a really phenomenal idea can also generate that "wow" factor regardless.

RR: What should authors avoid in their query letters?
RD: First and foremost, really proofread your query letter before you send it. If you have awkward sentence construction and multiple typos, we will fail to be convinced that you can actually write. Additionally, while politeness will get you far, over-obsequiousness can be a turn-off. Just generally, be specific and describe your story. If something sounds too generic, I'm not likely to request anything more. To give a more specific example of something to avoid, I would highly recommend that you don't write from the perspective of your character. You might think it's creative, but we know the author is writing the query, not the character, and, more often than not, it comes across as odd, not interesting. I find it's especially strange when this sort of letter is written from an animal's perspective-and we've received more than one of those during my tenure here!

RR: Do you see any specific trends in the market right now?
RD: It's hard to say. One thing I can say with relative certainty is that it seems that paranormal is past its prime, especially vampires/werewolves/shifters. I've seen several books about the Amish recently, which surprised me, both in YA and adult fiction, but I'd categorize that as more of a mini-trend. Certainly, in YA, dark is name of the game, both in the fantastic and realistic universes.

RR: What's on your wish list?
RD: I would love a really amazing memoir-that is a genre I really enjoy but do not currently represent. I would also love a really smart, well-written commercial adult fiction novel or a really phenomenal women's fiction that relates to cooking. It's kind of been done, at this point, and I've read a couple that were ok, but if I found one that really blew me away, I'd love to give it a go.

RR: What are you reading right now? (for pleasure)
RD: Reading for pleasure? What's that?
Oh, yes, I remember those days! I don't really have much time to read "for fun" lately, but, when I do, I tend to return to some of my all-time favorites, like The Bell Jar, Little Women, anything by David Sedaris, food memoirs like Julia Child's My Life in France and anything by Ruth Reichl or Jeffrey Steingarten, A.S. Byatt, John Connolly, etc. I also read a lot of cookbooks. The book that I am dying to get my hands on right now is the finale to Gregory Maguire's "Wicked years", Out of Oz.

RR: What is the typical day like in the life of an agent?
RD: It really varies. Most days, I start by checking my email for correspondences with clients, agents, and authors I am considering working with. Next, I usually catch up on any partials that are sitting in my inbox. From there, I might do some research for my clients, do some general market research, work on a query letter, or read some of the manuscripts in my ever-increasing queue.

And just for fun, a few of my favorite James Lipton questions:

RR: What is your favorite word?
RD: Catalyst, scintillating, salacious, quintessential, brouhaha

RR: What is your least favorite word?
RD: Moist (Rookie side note: AGREED! Moist is nearly as bad as "drip")

RR: What sound or noise do you love?
RD: The sound of autumn leaves crunching beneath my feet, especially when I'm out walking my dog and she's crunching them under her little paws too!

RR: What sound or noise do you hate?
RD: Nails on a blackboard or any kind of scraping noise, fire alarms, loud sirens, exploding guns/cannons… anything jarring really.

RR: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
RD: Food Network star or Broadway actress

RR: What profession would you not like to do?
RD: Anything with numbers or anything uber dirty or physical. I'm not exactly an outdoorsy sort of girl!

Wow--great interview, Rachael! Thanks for your candid answers and the behind-the-scenes look at life as an agent, though you neglected to mention pacifying neurotic clients in your daily activities. Hee.

Rachael is currently open to submissions. You can find the query guidelines on the agency's website.

*One last thing: Because we are nearing the day of thanks, I'd like to say how incredibly thankful I am to have Rachael in my life. She's patient, helpful, supportive, understanding and vigilant not only in her efforts to get my book on the shelves, but to help me become the best writer I can be. Thank you, Rachael!