A hypocrite no more!

Okay, it's confession time.




I read Fifty Shades.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Before you click "unfollow", change your Summer on the Short Bus Good Read's status to "NO FREAKING WAY", and scrub your eyes with Comet, let me explain myself.

Ahem.

A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of joining some dear writer friends *waves* in Vegas for a long weekend. Within the first few hours of our meet n' greet, Fifty Shades came up in conversation--though it wasn't because it was an orgasmic literary experience we had to share with one another. It was because we simply couldn't get away from it.

Some of us were surrounded by fellow Southwest Airlines flyers too engulfed in the deep prose ...  throating ... um... *scratches chin* Okay, some were just too engaged by the book to catch the bag of courtesy peanuts thrown at them, while others of us were bombarded by emcees of the 80's bar inside the Venetian hotel who, upon learning we were authors, asked if we'd read Fifty Shades, OR, find something to hang on to, questioned if our book was anything like Fifty Shades. (I can still taste the bitter taste of vomit in my mouth from that one.) Somehow E.L. James had taken down Celine and Wayne Newton and had complete ownership of Vegas--the chick was everywhere.

Like the good, professional, talented writers they are, none of the girls I was traveling with had read Fifty Shades, including me. But I do have a couple of pals at work who have read it, and knew more or less what the story was about. Because I'd heard plenty of negatives from the work crew, and am fairly active in the blogosphere, I knew darn well what people were saying about this book, the author, and the writing--which is why I had no problem poo-pooing it to anyone who might mention it to me. In Vegas or at home.

Then something happened about a week ago that changed my mind and I decided if I was going to bash Fifty Shades, I should at least read it first.

You see, a writer pal of mine got a bad review--thing is, their book hasn't even been released yet. The reviewer NEVER READ THE BOOK! My claws came out, my hair grew even bigger--I was MAD, y'all!! HOW DARE THEY SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT A BOOK THEY'VE NEVER EVEN READ!! And that's when it hit me--like a hoof to the head. "Hi! I'm Rookie and I'm a hypocrite."

It pained me to do so, but I bummed a co-worker's Nook account for a week and actually read Fifty Shades. And...it was as bad as everyone said it was.

Obviously there's an audience for this book (HELLO! 31 million copies sold!) but for my time/money I can think of millions several books better suited to me and my tastes. (If you're interested in well-written, steamy books check out JR Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood series.)  That said, I didn't write this post to review a book. I wrote it because I don't want you to make the same mistake I did. (Yes, Rookie's paying it forward--Fifty Shades style.) (Oh, yeah...that's bad. Just swallow the bile and move on.)  You see, I love you, Fan Club, and I don't want you to be a hypocrite like I was. Please, please, please, read something before you review it--then you have liberty to say how amazing it was, or how completely, utterly, horrifically, terribly awful it was.  As authors we owe it to each other.

Traffic time thoughts...

A few observations from my drive home today:

A truck trailer carrying a port-a-potty will clear the slow lane pretty damn fast.

Even though I know failure is inevitable, I will always attempt to harmonize with the Indigo Girls while they sing 'Galileo'.

People from Illinois do not know how to drive.

It is impossible to perfect the steering wheel drum solo of 'SHE' (Green Day) without being noticed by other drivers.

Just because you can squeeze two people into a Smart Car doesn't mean you should.

Smart Cars are dumb.

Bankers boxes, stolen from work, sitting on the front passenger seat make great note pads for things like blog post ideas.

CHRISTMAS IN JULY!

Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

OH. MY. GOSH!

Have you ever been so excited for something that you just can't sit still?!

You know that kind of child-like anticipation that makes you giggle 'til you feel like you might wet your pants? (Some of my Fan Clubbers are a bit older, so you may experience this on a daily basis--bless you.)

Like when you wake up on Christmas morning and Santa has left you exactly what you asked for? Sort of like this:

Well guess what Fan Club ... SANTA didn't update his version of Google calendar and now we get to celebrate Christmas in July!!

You heard me right! The Ho Ho Ho's are coming early this year, and I know this because I just visited my best pal AG Howard's website, and all the evidence is there.

No, no, not reindeer droppings and cookie crumbs, I'm talking a MAJOR contest. MAJOR as in: A signed ARC of SPLINTERED, a critique by THE Jenny Bent, and so much more free swag it makes my head spin just to think about it.

The contest only runs until July 25, so get off your lounge chair and pop on over -- FAST!

CAUGHT ON CAMERA! An author living her dream...

WARNING! WARNING!

The images you are about to see are real. 

They have not been manipulated in anyway. 

(Though the unphotogenic subject wishes they would have)

Our crack camera crew was perusing the streets of downtown 
San Diego last night, when they stumbled upon a rarely seen sight. 
A sight most of us never encounter with the naked eye. 

The sight of an author living out her wildest dreams.

(In case you haven't been, please read the rest of this post in a quiet and serious voice, a la the narrator on a particularly savage Animal Planet documentary. Think Serengeti and antelopes being taken out by lions. Er...don't actually, those always make me cry. Just think intense.)

We first noticed the author sitting just behind the glass panes at a table inside the Karl Strauss Brewery and Restaurant. She appeared deep in thought. Contemplating her future, perhaps? Or wondering when that Fiber One bar was going to kick in? Either way, we knew we were onto something significant, so we saddled up at the nearest patio table and as inconspicuously as possible, 
began the photo-documentation of this author's evening.

Once we got passed the enormous mess of blonde hair that was no doubt transporting illegal immigrants, we realized the author was reviewing some sort of paperwork. 

What could it be?

Minutes passed. 
The camera crew ordered a pitcher of beer and an appetizer sampler.

What was taking so long? 

Finally, as if aware the crew was watching, the author raised the document to the glass and pointed.

The Perseus Book Group.

"Ah ha!" Bradley, a dreamy, bright blue-eyed camera men exclaimed.

"That appears to be a book contract!"

Collectively, the crew sucked back a deep, expectant breath. 

Could it be? An author...signing a book contract?

IMPOSSIBLE! 

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO AUTHORS LIKE HER!

Time ticked away. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The camera crew grew uneasy.

Will she sign?

Will she sign?

Finally, the author withdrew a pen from the giraffe-printed tote that sat on the seat beside her. 

It was none other than a blue, stick Bic.
The kind with the grippy-tip.
And that's the moment the crew knew they were on to something huge:
Grippy-tipped Bic's only comes out when something big is going down.

For minutes the author reviewed and signed. 

One after another. 

After another.

She finally stopped when a total of four documents had been signed. 

Tears swelled in her eyes, sparkling against the setting sun that washed through the window.

Had she just accomplished a life-long dream?

The man sitting opposite her (with freakishly long eyebrows), slid a beer across the table.

With a grin of gratitude, 
she lifted the cold glass to her lips and took a long, 
well-deserved drink.

Though the camera crew cannot confirm what transpired last night, 
it seems fairly apparent that an author signed her 
publishing contract right in front of us.

May wonders never cease.

(No goats were harmed during the documentation of this event)

36 was a big year.

So...tomorrow's my birthday, (Relax, Frances. I'm not going to ask for any gifties, unless you happen to run across a disoriented Zac Efron who can't find his way home, COME TO MAMA, otherwise you're off the hook) And I am beyond grateful to declare that my 36th year was a good one. 

Besides landing an agent and selling my book, I wiggled out three of the little one's teeth, helped the nine year-old master fractions (who'd have thunk?!), and successfully managed my ever-growing television viewing schedule without missing an episode. (When you're talking the train wreck that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette that's saying a lot). I've also secured myself some of the best friends a girl could ask for, not to mention an awesome Fan Club who have been cheering me on all the while.


Thanks to all of you for your encouragement, support and generous love over the last year. Hopefully year 37 will be equally as wonderful.


Until next time, Cheers!

Alcide...

If the inter-species canoodling, sloppy southern accents, and swoon-worth vampires weren't enough to convince you to watch True Blood (it's SO much better than the books), maybe this will.

Fan Club, I'd like to introduce you to Alcide, he's a werewolf.

NEED I SAY MORE?!

A meme...sort of.

If you've read this blog more than twice, you'll know I'm not a huge fan of memes. Mostly because I hate dislike rules. That said, I love my friend Angela a lot more than I hate rules, so in honor of her amazing accomplishments this year (signing with an agent and forging through submission hell with a smile on her face) I'm going to oblige her most recent tagging and play along.  (Of course I'm picking and choosing the questions I want to answer. Once a rule breaker...)


And away we go...

 
Do you prefer coffee or tea in the mornings?
BLICK! Neither. Mornings are reserved for juice and, on rare occasions, hangover reducing therapies. Besides that, warm beverages do not rank high on my list. (Except during the months of October-December. Than a hot cider or a water-based cocoa is acceptable.)

What's your favorite outdoor activity?
Lately it's been laying on the trampoline with my girls looking up at the clouds. Otherwise, hanging out on the patio while Nigel swipes undies from the neighbor's clothesline.

Do you cook and/or bake straight from the recipe, or do you get creative and throw things together in the kitchen?
*hinged at the waist laughing*  Oh...this is so funny. Like I cook...

Which animals must you see when visiting the zoo?
I love the big cats. Sadly, the big cats don't get the same kind of attention at the World Famous San Diego Zoo as the pandas and polar bears, but if you time it right (a cool Saturday morning) the jaguars and panthers are very social and entertaining.

What's your favorite television show airing today?
JEEPERS, Shaggy! You can't expect me to narrow that down to ONE!
There are many, for different reasons:

Guilty Pleasure: The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Nothing like a good train wreck.
Comedy: Modern Family (brilliant writing) or The Big Bang Theory (so true to my life, sadly)
Drama: Mad Men *swoon*, Game of Thrones #nailbiter, TrueBlood (the books were better)
WTF?!: American Horror Story
Family Friendly: Survivor, Dancing with the Stars

Who is your current Hollywood or otherwise famous crush?
*swipes drool from chin* Zac's pretty high on the list, which works out well considering he's going to star in the movie version of the Short Bus. Obviously Bradley Cooper. And, if I could go back in time--Michael Schoeffling, a.k.a. Jake Ryan. He'll always hold a special place in my love court.

Now the writerly stuff... *yawn*

What are you working on right now?
A contemporary YA called, The Heist. (Hawt geek alert!!)

Do your main characters always have the same hair color as you?
Nope. Although their love interests do. Hmm...

Do you make up characters names, or use the names of people you know?
I usually make them up. However, Kaylen, the lead in my recently completed book, AIT, is named after my Twitter/Internet pal Kalen O'Donnell *nods*. Also, I received an email from a girl at work I'd never met before--her name is Gia Johnstone. If that name's not screaming for a novel I don't know what name is!!

Do your stories tend to be plot driven or character driven?
I'm not really sure how to answer this. I guess I think of a broad plot first and then build up my cast of characters around them. But don't you have to have both?? What good is a great plot if your characters are boring--and what good are authentic, unique characters if your plot blows?? And, for the record, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??
   
Oh, Lordy...you guys sick of me yet? 

Official meme rules mandate that I tag some other people now, but I'm not going to do that because rules make me itch. Here's what I propose: If you want to share your answers to any of those questions, feel free to do so. Otherwise, just tell me that I look pretty today and we'll call it good.