GO AWAY, BIG GREEN MONSTER!

I've never been one to worry much about peoples' opinions of me. (There is significant photographic evidence of this, I assure you) But as easy as it's been for me to roll my eyes, flip a bird, or simply ignore the naysayers in my life, there is one I just can't shake.

It's this guy:

We've practically worn out the pages to this book at my house (Bravo! Ed Emberley--it's genius in its simplest form), but until last night it never occurred to me that THIS was the guy in my head. The guy who has been causing me so much grief.

You see, this Big GREEN Monster may appear sweet to the casual observer, with his face made of simple shapes that appears less and less threatening with each turn of the page, but to the Rookie Riter...this dude spells TROUBLE.

Most recently this evil-eyed freak has been polluting my mind with doozies like these:

"YOU'RE NOT LEGIT UNTIL YOU GET PUBLISHED!"

"NOONE IS GOING TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!"

"THIS BOOK ISN'T CRAP. IT'S TWENTY DEGREES WORSE THAN CRAP!"

"THEY'RE JUST BEING NICE BECAUSE THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU GIVE THEM BEER. THEY ACTUALLY THINK IT SUCKS, TOO!"

And, last night he actually came up with this number:

"KINDERGARTENERS WRITE BETTER THAN YOU!" (This one was particularly painful because I've had a kindergartener...Ouch!)

So I beg this question of my underpaid fan club: How do you get YOUR Big GREEN Monster to shut up?!