Friday, September 30, 2011

FOUR-LETTER WORDS: What are you packin'?

Relax, Nancy...no one's throwing F-bombs your way.

This post is dedicated to the four-letter words every writer should include in their handy WRITER'S SURVIVAL PACK on a daily basis. Let's take a look at what's inside:

HOPE: Hope tops the list because without it, we'd have nothing.

SUCK: If your manuscript doesn't suck at least once every ten days--you're doing something wrong. Everybody has doubts about their writing. If you can't admit it--you will be taken to the barn and stomped to death by cloven hooves. It's been documented. It will happen.

LOVE: Write because you love to write. Not because you want to sell a book.

FART: When did farting become a bad thing? If you don't let loose every now and then, the stifled gas will clog up your internal blood flow thereby causing a depletion of oxygen to the brain. Without that, your brain hamster cannot run and your writing will suffer. It's basic science, folks. Acknowledge it and move on. (And if they're particularly bad, like you ate 2 cups of broccoli the night before--run after you distribute or quickly apply scented lotion to your hands to mask the odor.)

HATE: Hate is a strong word kids, but it's essential to your survival. If you don't hate other writer's who sign a bigger contract than you, agents who don't respond to your query, or co-workers who think your story is "cute", than you're a liar and will also be taken out to the barn. Just be honest and hate...it's okay, we still love you.

FEAR: You bet you're packing this! This is a scary business, bro! It's okay to be fearful, just don't let it stop you from living your dream.

DAMN: Sometimes it just feels good to say it. Take this sentence for example, "Damn, that is some good writing." See...it just works. Don't ignore the damn.

BEER: Beer, or other alcoholic beverages, should be embraced by all writers. It makes the most boring scene funny, the most annoying characters likeable, and you ten pounds thinner. How can you lose? I recommend stocking up on this bad boy. You never know when it might come in handy.

PRAY: You cannot do this alone. Prayer is a powerful tool, my friends. Don't leave home without it!

DUMB: Some people are just dumb. This has nothing to do with your survival as a writer. It's just important to mention.

WAIT: Ah...to wait. Getting a book published is like rush hour at Disneyland. Yes, we know you want to get on Space Mountain like...yesterday, but you have to wait just like everybody else. The truth is, most of us have to wait. A LOT. Those stories you read, about authors who got picked up on their first query, went to auction after 3 days, and got a seven-figure deal with additional movie rights...yeah, those people might not have had to wait, but they're the ones the rest of us hate...it all works out in the end.

This my list of essential four-letter words. What are you packin'?