Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Do your part to encourage a FREAK!

I need your help guys. A friend of mine is in trouble. Let me set the scene:

It's approximately 4pm Pacific time. The sun is dropping  into the hills, though still hangs high enough to warrant wearing sunglasses. Outside the temperature is a comfy 76 degrees, and there's just a trace of that warm Santa Ana system that blew into town last week. As always, traffic speeds vary anywhere between 9 and 75 mph, depending on the freeway, whether or not there are any accidents, or if some jack weed is too busy chatting on his phone to realize he's going twenty below the speed limit.

The black minivan is rolling along at an easy clip; back windows down as far as the childproof restrictions allow, sunroof open, driver's hair whipping around her like snakes in a blender.


It looks a lot like this:
(Yes, that's road kill in the bottom right corner. Skunks shouldn't play in traffic.)

And you see how her mouth is open? No, she's not auditioning for an adult movie or hoping to catch a bug mid-flight, she's singing, really loud & really off-key, just like she does all the time. And believe it or not, the singing isn't the worst of her driving habits. It's her incessant need to change stations on the radio while doing so that wins her the award for ultimate road hazard. Despite the glares from her husband and whinings of her children, she swaps out radio stations as easily as Charlie Sheen does his hookers.

It looks a lot like this:

*pushes button* INDIGO GIRLS *gags*
*pushes button* PHILIP PHILLIPS *Sings along for a second until she realizes she just heard this song*
*pushes button* IMAGINE DRAGONS *sings until she remembers she's 38 and this song is for 20 year-olds*
*pushes button* ERASURE *squeals* *sings along to the end of the song* *waits as new song comes on* LIONEL RICHIE *scowls*
*pushes button* DR. DRE & SNOOP DOG. *nods slowly, like a G* *raps along with her homies until the song ends* *waits for new song* *DIVINYLS* *throws up in her mouth*
*pushes button* TESLA *freaks out* *sings at the top of her lungs until the song ends*
*pushes button* TAYLOR SWIFT *giggles. pretends her kids are in the car so it's not weird she's enjoying it* ...

and so on...for the entire 40+ minute commute home.

Why does she do this you ask?
Good question.

The only answer I can come up with is that she's a total freak. Obviously she's got some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder that won't allow her to enjoy one thing because she's constantly worried she'll miss something else, something better, if she does. The grass is greener, perhaps??

I'd really like to ease this girl's burden a bit by reassuring her she's not the only one with whacked-out habits. So, do me a favor and tell me what kind of dumb ass behaviors you have, and then I'll pass them on to her. My friend. :)