Sunday, November 27, 2011

BAH, HUMBUG!! Things that drive me NUTS about the Christmas Season

Relax, Frances! Don't get your undies all twisted. I'm not really a Scrooge--but there are a few things that really annoy me about the Christmas season. Rather than fester on them though; which inevitably results in me seeking comfort at the bottom of a beer bottle or a bag of holiday M&Ms, I thought I'd vent my annoyances to all of you. And here they are:

THE THINGS THAT DRIVE ME NUTS ABOUT THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Airing the Christmas classics (i.e., A Charlie Brown Christmas, The Grinch, Frosty) 17 times
before December 2nd. When I was a kid, way back in the 80's, they aired the show once. ONCE! You looked forward to that night for weeks. And if, on the off chance you missed it...well then, you cried, and then got over it.

Giving impersonal gifts. Give me a cinnamon scented votive in a snowman candle holder any day of the week, (I love cinnamon and candles!) but don't expect me to give you something impersonal back. I don't give impersonal gifts--I CANNOT DO IT! If I cannot find something I know you will love--I will buy something I would love. Like a Jake Ryan T-shirt. (I already have one of these--but I don't have a Bradley Cooper one...)
Santa yard decorations intermingled with the Nativity scene. (sigh) Go secular. Go religious. I don't really care--but don't have Santa standing above the baby Jesus' manger--it's just WEIRD!

People that make you WAIT to open a gift until Christmas morning. If we exchange gifts on December 17, knowing we won't see each other on Christmas morning,
please don't tell me to wait until then to open it. The best part of giving a gift is seeing the recipient's expression! (Hopefully the expression will be a happy one--though my husband nearly bought me a steering wheel for a dying Honda Prelude 17 years ago. That would not have been a happy one.) And if you do you forbid me from opening it, trust that the second you pull out of the California Pizza Kitchen parking lot where we've just had our holiday girl's lunch, I will be tearing into that bad boy. My Jeep smells like stale goldfish crackers and dirt. I need a little cinnamon-scented candle action to clear things up.

Those doughy candy cane coo
kies that taste like chalk. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones your stay-at-home neighbor/mom whips up to make you look like a slacker in front of your children? (Because you opted not to bake--instead purchasing some festively packaged caramel corn from Target). Every year, EVERYBODY in your house forgets that those cookies taste like crap--they just know that you didn't labor over a hot oven for seven hours making them.



Holiday work parties. (sigh) I hate them almost as much as I hate office birthday parties. (Except the year I met Aerosmith in the bar of the hotel where my husband had his party 15 years ago. That's for an entirely different blog post, though). I already sacrifice 40 hours of my life every week for you people--do I really need to give you another four? And on a weekend??!!!

Parking lots. I'm an incredibly impatient person. Please climb in your car, buckle the kids, and get the heck out of the space within 30 seconds, or I will play that game where I imagine how many points I will earn if I can hit you while keeping your Uggs on your feet. (By the way, Uggs and cut-off shorts do not look good.)


Pink Christmas trees. Just...DON'T!


Feel free to share your Christmas grievances below.
Ho, Ho, Ho! (Oh yeah, I don't like hoes parading around on Christmas, either. Take a break, girl. Have some eggnog or somethin')